“Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

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Everything has changed. I’m an entirely different person to what I was a year ago; to what I was when I first entered 2016. The story’s the same, the face is the same but everything feels different. I’ve always strived for some sort of happiness, to feel something more than numb. But what this year has shown me is no matter what, happiness is not a destination, but a journey. And perhaps a neverending journey, but with every piece of progress, with every ounce of confidence that I gain, I know I’m closer to what once felt impossible. I’m getting there and it sure feels good.

There’s a thousand things I want to do and I want to change, but for everything I’ve ever gone through, for ever decision I’ve ever made, I’m so glad that I’m here right now. There are days when all I want is to not exist, and those days of feeling nothing are still going to be a part of my life. But recently, those days have lessened and I’m reminded that there’s more to life than what it is right now. I got the chance to travel to Germany, to experience something amazing with the best people I could. I’ve got to write and write and write to my hearts content. At first, I thought that what I was doing in the present would be what I would end up doing forever, and I lost so much motivation because I could never see myself any different than a deadbeat. And whilst I still may not make it in a world where there are so many other talented people; where I can easily be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about, I might just have fun trying. I might be working a minimum-wage bar job with long hours with headaches that hurt the back of my eyes, but these eyes have so much more to see. So much more to appreciate.

Positivity doesn’t come to me that often. Especially not the type where I want to write it and show it because I know soon enough I’ll want to write how I want the earth to swallow me up. Some things won’t change, but the way you handle each situation and each downfall will get better. Everyone is fighting their own battle, but we fight it side by side.

Peace, xoalaskaar.

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“I take back every word that I said,”

Months have gone by and this platform of tangled and contradictory text posts has gone completely untouched. While my hiatus was unannounced, the break was needed. The endless hours I placed into what I thought was therapeutic writing was only my further decline. Instead of overcoming my Depression, I came to terms with it. I accepted it as part of my day-to-day life instead of trying to recover from it. I gave it a name; I gave it a home rent-free. I fed it until it swelled up like a tumour and took over my body like a puppet.

Here’s to a new mindset. Here’s to a new life.

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Adventures.

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This is the view of Swansea from the top of a random mountain a friend dragged me up. I knew I would be climbing a mountain, but I didn’t expect to be walking up a hill that felt like a 90 degree vertical angle. It was painful on the calves, rough on the lungs but definitely worth it for the experience. Through chattering lips as the bitter cold stung us (even through blankets and coats), we sat on top of this mountain, overlooking the city and watched life go by while our time stood completely still. While the picture doesn’t do it much justice, I encourage everyone to go out and experience something similar to what I did yesterday. It’s only something small, but it makes you appreciate things a whole lot more.

You look down and you can see the cars driving up and down the roads, stopping and starting at traffic lights or at their destination. It’s like imagining how many people are listening to what, how many people are in complete silence. How many people are having the best time of their lives at that precise moment, laughing until their faces ache and stomach stings? Or how many people are having the worst time of their life, arguing with their better halves as I was sat there on top of this mountain experiencing something entirely new to me? It’s strange to think of all these different lives going on in one area, and that’s just a city. There’s a whole world out there. Filled with people and their lives, filled with lights just like this, filled with love and compassion, hate and regret. There’s  millions of different emotions being felt in just one second, and while you’re watching this tiny city go about it’s business, you truly realise that this world is huge and right now you could be anywhere, but you’re here. You’re feeling, breathing, living, just like every one else is. You’re not alone and even when things aren’t going your way, just remember that there’s a million different people feeling somewhat similar. Life isn’t going to stop for you just like it doesn’t stop for anyone else, but you can shape your life into what you want it to be.

That’s not the only spectacular thing that I came to realise while shivering and cupping numb hands. Not only is there a whole world going on below you but if you take a look up, you’re staring out into the unknown. Into a galaxy; a universe unexplored and unidentified. There’s planets spinning, volcanos blowing, stars dying and in turn a life of a new star. Not only is the inhabitents of this world doing completely different things and living in all these different ways, but there’s a whole unexplored universe out there and who knows what goes on out there.

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Show respect to gain respect.

The ideology of respect has been distorted massively. It’s something that people have decided is a necessitity rather than something that is earned. Many people live by the phrase of “respect me and I will respect you,” but it’s become clear that even then, it’s seems almost impossible for a fraction of consideration to be given out.

When I think of respect, I think of a kindness towards others, a consideration and a sprinkle of care. Because the truth is, to show respect, you have to be amiable. There needs to be a sense of politeness for someone to want to respect you. It’s ignorant to walk into a situation acting boystrous, rude and unthoughtful whilst demanding the respect of others. If someone walks up and kicks you in the ribs while you sleep, are you really going to show them respect? Did they show you any respect? Of course not.

Today, on my way to university I saw something that genuinely made me lose a bit more faith in humanity. Sometimes, I’ll come across something that will restore that, but today was one of the days where it descended rather than climbed. At 9:55a.m. outside of the train station, a police officer decided to ‘move’ a homeless man that slept outside under the shelter. There was many of ways to go around this, but instead, the police officer decided to kick his toes into this homeless mans ribs and tell him to “move along” because he was a “dirty bum.” Being awoken in such a manner caused this homeless man to wake up quickly and jump to his feet, and then proceeding to pick up all of his stuff, the police officer decided to taunt him some more by saying he “shouldn’t be sleeping here.” Now, this man, who has no bed to call his own, has found a place with shelter right next to road where he probably didn’t sleep. In retaliation to the officers taunts, (we’ve all woken up on the wrong side of the bed and been a little moody) the homeless man says “piss off, mate,” and here is where this warrior of the law decides that even though he has just kicked a man awake, taunted and degraded him, needs to be respected. Now, some people may say “that’s a police officer, you’ve got to respect him!” but no. You do not have to respect anyone that shows such a disgusting and intolerant attitude towards you. Furthermore, you have no right to even preach about respect after treating someone like a stray dog picking up scraps. It’s inhumane.- and it’s even more disgraceful that even when this entire situation was moved on and over with, the officer decided to walk back and have a laugh with his officer mates. Excuse me, did you not just see what you did?

You’ll often find that those who lack the skills of consideration are the ones that demand respect the most, and it’s very unfair. You shouldn’t be forced to respect someone because they have a ‘better’ place in society than yourself. Because the truth is, no one’s life is more precious than your own. No living, breathing human with a beating heart should be treated with such disregard. It doesn’t take much to feel empathy for those around you, and maybe it’s time for people to become a little more educated on emotions rather than social structure.

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“Peel me off this Velcro seat and get me moving, I sure as hell can’t do this by myself.” [UPDATE]

It’s so hard to write when everything is so suffocating. I hardly get any down time to myself, and even when I do it’s filled up with taking some relaxation, a good film or some hard-earned gaming time. Unlike last summer, I’m spending most of my time working and then being tired from work and then having to fill up that tired time doing something for somebody. Finding time or even motivation to write half-interesting blog posts are beyond me some days, and when I do feel like I have some sort of idea floating around, I’m in the middle of a days work and by the time I get home I have forgotten everything. I know, that’s not a great writers-attitude, is it?

I’ve made a few changes to this blog. Firstly, the categories. It keeps the hardly-existence posts away from everything else I’d like to try to motivate me to keep this cute little blog alive. I’ll be trying to write updates on here regularly (which you’ll find a nifty little Updates & Posts link on the navigation bar! Cool, right?) but it’ll mostly get filled up with half-finished creative writing. That way, I can somehow keep this blog alive and give myself some more motivation to get posting and I can also keep my writing projects in one place. Side note: I’m also looking for some kind of critique on my writing, so whenever I throw the first piece up, I’d totally appreciate some feedback!

Secondly, I’ve started a new blog! It’s still pretty cute, but I’m keeping it separate from this one since it’s not really a creative/ personal or updating kind of blog. Mostly a blog about my spare time that’s filled with games and music and some books. It’ll be cool to get some readers from here over there too, so if you fancy a quick look then check out https://alaskaarlikesgames.wordpress.com/ (I told you it was cute.) 

Lastly, and maybe my favourite update of all is this: I passed my first year of University! I know, it’s only the first year, right? Things get a whole lot harder in the next two, but I passed my first year despite everything that’s happened over the last couple of months and hopefully I’ll be able to do the same, if not better next year. I’d like to thank everyone who’s been reading and commenting here for the support they have given me over the last couple of months, and I genuinely appreciate everyone’s words of encouragement that’s kept me going and pushed me forwards. You lot mean a great deal to me and I couldn’t be more thankful ♥♥♥

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“You were high definition, now you’re barely 720!”

Nothing beats a title than referencing McBusted.

If you’ve listened to the mighty McBusted’s album, you will know the song “Before you knew me.” If not, you can click here and listen to it yourself, you might even like it! It’s catchy and it’s sort of relatable to those in a long-term relationship. Why? Because people do change when they get themselves into a relationship and spend so much time in the company of others. Don’t get me wrong, they will still be themselves as an individual, but they will mold into someone new. As a person in a long-term relationship, I can confirm that myself and my loving boyfriend have changed and become new people that have more in common than we initially did. It’s not a bad thing unless there’s some serious changes that turns you into some complete psychopath who’s the female version of your boyfriend, but it’s more likely a good thing, allowing both parties of the relationship to connect on different levels whilst doing the things they love and communicating in some kind of secret code.

Think of it this way, you start talking to a new person. They know nothing about you, and you don’t know anything about them. They’re a blank canvas in your world as you are to them, but the more you talk the more you get to know what they like, what they dislike, they’re favourite music and films and their personality in general. You’re canvas begins filling up and up and up by the day. You start to hang out with them, you spend time in their company doing things they love and you think to yourself “Hey, this is quite fun actually!” and now you’re enjoying the same things that they do and vise versa. Time goes on and you may put more time into this specific activity, and then it becomes a personal enjoyment that you can do when you’re not around your love interest. You start to talk about it, research it, take part in it. You’re expanding and the paint on your canvas intertwines with theirs. It’s natural and it happens.

It doesn’t stop there. I’ve previously stated the way little things can make an impression on other people too, such as words. Personally, I never used to swear unless highly intoxicated and really, really annoyed. Even then, it was in the company of those who would not judge me for it, but now, I’m like a walking profanity. I even enjoy Super Smash Bros Wii U and I’ve gone as far as raging each time Bowser Jr. jumps out of his exploding cart and catches me out, resulting in the imminent final smash on poor little Pikachu.

People think of change as a bad thing, especially in a relationship when in reality it’s nothing more than a person expanding and growing. There will come some times when arguments will arise, but that happens in all relationships whether there’s nothing in common or a lot. People piss people off, that’s life. There may also be a situation in which you watch a person become someone you hardly know, and that’s the change that can affect things because it’s like thinking you picked the best kind of apple and finding out it’s a parsnip. But that’s where people tend to place blame on someone for changing so much when in reality it’s not something you can just stop. Change will happen, and there should be no blame placed on the other for changing. They’ve just grown into something new, and that would inevitably happen whether it was in the next week or the next five years.

Relationships are ever-changing, and that’s what people need to understand and respect. No-one will ever stay as that lovely and sweet girl you met, or that charming and romantic man that you first met, because once you break the barrier into getting to know them and they know you, they become comfortable in letting you see other sides of them – the good and the bad sides that include endless laughter, crying into your blanket at 3a.m. and stuffing your face full of chocolate and having brown teeth. They see every side there is, and a person in a long-term relationship should definitely have an understanding about this, and be accepting of these different aspects.

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