“Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

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Everything has changed. I’m an entirely different person to what I was a year ago; to what I was when I first entered 2016. The story’s the same, the face is the same but everything feels different. I’ve always strived for some sort of happiness, to feel something more than numb. But what this year has shown me is no matter what, happiness is not a destination, but a journey. And perhaps a neverending journey, but with every piece of progress, with every ounce of confidence that I gain, I know I’m closer to what once felt impossible. I’m getting there and it sure feels good.

There’s a thousand things I want to do and I want to change, but for everything I’ve ever gone through, for ever decision I’ve ever made, I’m so glad that I’m here right now. There are days when all I want is to not exist, and those days of feeling nothing are still going to be a part of my life. But recently, those days have lessened and I’m reminded that there’s more to life than what it is right now. I got the chance to travel to Germany, to experience something amazing with the best people I could. I’ve got to write and write and write to my hearts content. At first, I thought that what I was doing in the present would be what I would end up doing forever, and I lost so much motivation because I could never see myself any different than a deadbeat. And whilst I still may not make it in a world where there are so many other talented people; where I can easily be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about, I might just have fun trying. I might be working a minimum-wage bar job with long hours with headaches that hurt the back of my eyes, but these eyes have so much more to see. So much more to appreciate.

Positivity doesn’t come to me that often. Especially not the type where I want to write it and show it because I know soon enough I’ll want to write how I want the earth to swallow me up. Some things won’t change, but the way you handle each situation and each downfall will get better. Everyone is fighting their own battle, but we fight it side by side.

Peace, xoalaskaar.

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My life in video games.

For anyone that was around loitering my blog and twitter last summer, you’d know that I was completely addicted, almost obsessed with FFXIV. It was the last game that’s captured me in that way. By “in that way” I mean, the excitement to log on and play, the friendships formed, the what-would-probably-be-annoying-but-isn’t-annoying fate grinded in Costa Del Sol where (on a ps3) was so laggy that things would eventually disappear and people would move to the next fate before you even knew it existed. It was hell, but my lord, it was fun. I cannot tell you how high my happiness levels raised when my pugilist – I mean, Monk – turned to level 50 and strutted around in his badass gear. I was the heart of the party, literally. I wore that tag with pride.

I bring this up because over the last couple of months, I haven’t been able to fully bring myself to indulge in a game. And even when I’ve wanted to, it’s been too exhausting. It’s upsetting, mostly. For something that has always given me solace and raised my happiness, it’s sad feeling as if there’s none around that will genuinely make me feel that way again. I mean, Dark Souls is hella fun, but it’s not exactly… exciting. It’s more of a I-want-to-hang-myself-if-I-die-again kind of game. I can’t come home and enjoy a nice session of dodge, roll, slash, roll, roll, roll, roll, slash, dodge, get smacked, roll, roll, roll, estus flask, slash after a long day of work. This isn’t me saying it’s a bad game, it’s a bloody brilliant game, but it’s not relaxing and I don’t get the thrills that I’ve found previously.

The only games I have even been able to bring myself to play are games that I’ve played time and time before. Bayonetta, The Legend Of Zelda, Pokemon, Metal Gear Solid, Borderlands… I know what I’m doing so there’s no new scenery, excitement or anticipation. Don’t get me wrong, the replay value on these games are amazing – if you’re not playing on an old xBox 360 arcade that doesn’t support HDMI and your eyes just end up bleeding from the inside out trying to read the perk traits. Ugh, why oh why did I give away my elite? I took for granted how visually appealing the HD looked and thought it would be okay to switch back. I was wrong. What makes this worse, is that the nostalgic games I’ve been interested in lately are too bugged up on the ps3 to play, so much so that it’s rage inducing in itself. Damn you, Bethesda!

I write this, here, on alaskaar, to let the readers that followed the blog following my gaming journeys that I’ve hit a wall. That writing about old journeys on modern consoles isn’t working out and for the time being, whilst my life rushes around me at a full one hundred and sixty mph, I’ll probably be staying inactive for awhile. But, if you have any suggestions for either the ps3, xbox 360, xbox one, wii u, 3ds and pretty much any console aside the ps4 (one day, my sweet white ps4, you will be mine) then hit me up. I’ll be game if you guys are interested.

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“Are we human?”

 

Gloomy. Sadness. Depression. No matter what word you label it with, it’s a hard place to be in no matter what the situation. True that people may be feeling these emotions over completely different things, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting you. You are an individual. You will experience things differently. You will have your own coping methods. No one can tell you what to do or how to deal with your own personal demons, no matter how much advice you seek from those around you. The harsh reality is, is you must figure things out on your own to really sit back at the end of the day and know what’s happened has been resolved. Your own step is the only step that will matter on the road to your eventual mental happiness – it isn’t going to be handed to you on a silver platter and served to you by silver spoon. You are strong and you can pull yourself out of this.

I’ve had my fair share of demons to battle during 2015. Perhaps its the reason for my little to non-existent motivation to write. My lack of inspiration in life. The complete disappearance of any kind of natural pleasure in simple daily activities. I sought after advice and I followed closely but I could never feel accomplished. I never felt like I truly resolved my overwhelming problematic voices whispering in my ear that I was nothing. I got rid of the problems that affected everyone else. For example, my moods. My changing moods, panic attacks and outburst of tears got… “irritating,” as they say. So I tried to eradicate them and in response I faked my happiness. I pretended I was okay until I was alone in my own four walls with nothing and no one but myself. It’s like having to wear a mask to cover up your true self. It crippled me. Paralyzed me until I realised that the phrase “just be happy” was my problem.

People will tell you time and time again to “just be happy.” They repeat it over and over again, as if it’s the easiest thing to do. They’ll say they’ve been through it – they may even say they’ve been through worse – but they are NOT you. They coped with it, or they are coping with it in their own way and it’s only fair to let yourself as an individual find yourself and what will help you. You like reading a book? Go ahead. Take that time and read for endless hours until your head is filled with elegant vocabulary and the voices that whisper are characters. You like films? Watch them. Watch their sequels. Watch what came before them. Shape your dreams into what you want and go where you want to be. You don’t have to live by someone else’s standards of “just be happy.” Being comfortable isn’t wearing a mask, its knowing you. And knowing you is the first real step to shaping your own mental stability.

Something I want to point out though… You are not alone. You can talk and you can rant. You can post a blog post to get what it is off your chest. Whether you read this or you quickly scroll past, just know that I am here for you. You are beautiful and you are special to me. No matter who you are or if I have spoken with you or not. Your happiness matters to me, and if you’re not happy then I’m here to wish you all the luck in finding that happiness. This is our journey, and I’ll walk it hand in hand with each and every one of you.

 

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