“Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

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Everything has changed. I’m an entirely different person to what I was a year ago; to what I was when I first entered 2016. The story’s the same, the face is the same but everything feels different. I’ve always strived for some sort of happiness, to feel something more than numb. But what this year has shown me is no matter what, happiness is not a destination, but a journey. And perhaps a neverending journey, but with every piece of progress, with every ounce of confidence that I gain, I know I’m closer to what once felt impossible. I’m getting there and it sure feels good.

There’s a thousand things I want to do and I want to change, but for everything I’ve ever gone through, for ever decision I’ve ever made, I’m so glad that I’m here right now. There are days when all I want is to not exist, and those days of feeling nothing are still going to be a part of my life. But recently, those days have lessened and I’m reminded that there’s more to life than what it is right now. I got the chance to travel to Germany, to experience something amazing with the best people I could. I’ve got to write and write and write to my hearts content. At first, I thought that what I was doing in the present would be what I would end up doing forever, and I lost so much motivation because I could never see myself any different than a deadbeat. And whilst I still may not make it in a world where there are so many other talented people; where I can easily be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about, I might just have fun trying. I might be working a minimum-wage bar job with long hours with headaches that hurt the back of my eyes, but these eyes have so much more to see. So much more to appreciate.

Positivity doesn’t come to me that often. Especially not the type where I want to write it and show it because I know soon enough I’ll want to write how I want the earth to swallow me up. Some things won’t change, but the way you handle each situation and each downfall will get better. Everyone is fighting their own battle, but we fight it side by side.

Peace, xoalaskaar.

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“I take back every word that I said,”

Months have gone by and this platform of tangled and contradictory text posts has gone completely untouched. While my hiatus was unannounced, the break was needed. The endless hours I placed into what I thought was therapeutic writing was only my further decline. Instead of overcoming my Depression, I came to terms with it. I accepted it as part of my day-to-day life instead of trying to recover from it. I gave it a name; I gave it a home rent-free. I fed it until it swelled up like a tumour and took over my body like a puppet.

Here’s to a new mindset. Here’s to a new life.

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Show respect to gain respect.

The ideology of respect has been distorted massively. It’s something that people have decided is a necessitity rather than something that is earned. Many people live by the phrase of “respect me and I will respect you,” but it’s become clear that even then, it’s seems almost impossible for a fraction of consideration to be given out.

When I think of respect, I think of a kindness towards others, a consideration and a sprinkle of care. Because the truth is, to show respect, you have to be amiable. There needs to be a sense of politeness for someone to want to respect you. It’s ignorant to walk into a situation acting boystrous, rude and unthoughtful whilst demanding the respect of others. If someone walks up and kicks you in the ribs while you sleep, are you really going to show them respect? Did they show you any respect? Of course not.

Today, on my way to university I saw something that genuinely made me lose a bit more faith in humanity. Sometimes, I’ll come across something that will restore that, but today was one of the days where it descended rather than climbed. At 9:55a.m. outside of the train station, a police officer decided to ‘move’ a homeless man that slept outside under the shelter. There was many of ways to go around this, but instead, the police officer decided to kick his toes into this homeless mans ribs and tell him to “move along” because he was a “dirty bum.” Being awoken in such a manner caused this homeless man to wake up quickly and jump to his feet, and then proceeding to pick up all of his stuff, the police officer decided to taunt him some more by saying he “shouldn’t be sleeping here.” Now, this man, who has no bed to call his own, has found a place with shelter right next to road where he probably didn’t sleep. In retaliation to the officers taunts, (we’ve all woken up on the wrong side of the bed and been a little moody) the homeless man says “piss off, mate,” and here is where this warrior of the law decides that even though he has just kicked a man awake, taunted and degraded him, needs to be respected. Now, some people may say “that’s a police officer, you’ve got to respect him!” but no. You do not have to respect anyone that shows such a disgusting and intolerant attitude towards you. Furthermore, you have no right to even preach about respect after treating someone like a stray dog picking up scraps. It’s inhumane.- and it’s even more disgraceful that even when this entire situation was moved on and over with, the officer decided to walk back and have a laugh with his officer mates. Excuse me, did you not just see what you did?

You’ll often find that those who lack the skills of consideration are the ones that demand respect the most, and it’s very unfair. You shouldn’t be forced to respect someone because they have a ‘better’ place in society than yourself. Because the truth is, no one’s life is more precious than your own. No living, breathing human with a beating heart should be treated with such disregard. It doesn’t take much to feel empathy for those around you, and maybe it’s time for people to become a little more educated on emotions rather than social structure.

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New stuff!

Anyone who regularly looks at my blog may notice that a few things have changed. Not only do I have a super cute font for these little on screen words, but I also have an entirely new category called ‘Real Life,’ and that’s what it is!

Keeping this short, the plan is to tackle every day things in the media with my own thoughts and opinions. Opinions matter and I really want to be able to have you guys join in and share what you think too, whether the same or entirely different! I want to hear from all of you.

Another thing is the 30 days challenge! Everyone has heard of it, but this one is the road to happiness. I’ve spent far too long dwelling and sharing my own tangled thoughts with my fellow readers, and whilst I plan on making sure you all know I’m here for you, I plan on finding my happiness again with pictures and words. The idea is to write one thing a day that makes you happy. I highly suggest anyone who relates closely to my usual blog posts to do the same, and make sure you let me know because I’ll be there to read everything you write and encourage you on your journeys!

Peace,

alaskaar~

xo

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Right and Wrong, yes or no?

Dear Diary, I cannot fathom my own thoughts. No amount of time has helped me progress the understanding of the mismatched constellations inside my own head.

In the last few weeks, the lines between doing something because it’s the right thing to do and doing something because you feel like you have to has become somewhat blurred. It’s never easy to try and detangle your thoughts after months of justifying the pressure that’s been placed on you and actually deciding whether it’s right or wrong. Anyone knows that trying to comprehend the thoughts that are disorganised and misplaced somewhere within the cells of your mind is like trying to detangle sewing cotton after it’s been stretched and rolled into a ball… It feels impossible. But when you look a little closer at the factors that has caused the tangling, the reasons as to why this started then things start to make a little sense.

I’m writing this mainly to get my own thoughts out there. To be able to write and be heard so that people in the same predicament or a similar situation actually takes a step back and sees it for what it really is. You can want to do something, but it may not be the right thing to do. Feeling forced or being guilted into doing something is only going to end badly and what you’re currently feeling will only ever worsen. Take time to realise what the consequences will be: will you be happy if you go through with it? will it makes things worse? will it make things better? do you want to do it, or do you feel like you have to?

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Sunday, February 28th, 2016.

Having someone to genuinely open up to is a terrifying experience. How much information is too much information? Is it even safe to tell them what goes on inside your head with the complete trust that they won’t judge or treat you any differently? It’s a question that’s plagued me, and eventually plagued my relationships for many years. I’ve either told too much or too little and I find it hard to find the balance to keep things flowing.

This year has been an entirely new experience for me as a whole. I entered 2016 with my head hanging over the toilet with the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced. I thought to myself “hey, it’s a new year, time for things to turn around!” but I’ve eventually come to worry and stress about things that I pushed to the back of my mind long ago. It’s almost a annual occurance for this to happen – every now and then I can’t help but begin to wonder where I went wrong. There’s only so many times you can talk to a silent journal with your black ink before you realise your biggest mistake might have been taking on everything alone.

Skip back to 2008. By this point, I had complete confidence that my former childhood problems would vanish the more I drowned them in nicotine and alcohol. By the end of 2009 after what could only be described as my own wrongful making, I sacrificed what would have been most of my young adult years pretending I was older than what I was. When I realised that my friends were taken from me by force, my life had gone 100mph without me noticing that I had been dragged into adulthood without my consent, I bailed as soon as I managed to release the chains. I lived the way I wanted to for a good couple of months before again, I was turned into something I shouldn’t have been. I finished 2015 and entered into the new 2016 wondering where I went wrong at every turn. Why was I always placed into a situation that affected me mentally, that dragged me down into the pits of hell where I gradually burned every fibre of hope of happiness that I owned.

It doesn’t take long to realise the naivity you’ve experienced over the years. Always wishing things would be better – being told they will be better. Even when you tell yourself that you can and will walk away when it gets too much, you can’t. You’ve been sucked too deep into a vortex and the only way out is the legendary difficulty maze with a raging Capra Demon at the end. It almost seems impossible the more you try and fail, eventually accepting that this is it now. I’m a quick learner, but I’ll never get the hang of dealing with unpredictability. I’ll never fully be able to cope with the realisation of my vulnerability. The real problem is, is it’s practically impossible for me to be comfortable with opening up, without feeling guilty and allowing others to help guide me back to safety.

In every post I write, I try and remind my readers – the ones who stumble across these disorganised string of words laced together with punctuation – that they’re worth something. It’s because I know that it’s far too easy for others to bring you down, and it’s even easier for the words to implant themselves into your head where the only course of action feels like surgery to remove the tumour of self-loathing to be removed. With enough thought, self-relaxation and a reminder that without you, someone, somewhere will never experience what you and you only can give them. There’s something about everyone that makes them special, but it takes the right person to see that and appreciate it properly.

Edit: I probably wont keep this on here for long. I just needed to vent. I’m tired of being stuck inside my own head.

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My life in video games.

For anyone that was around loitering my blog and twitter last summer, you’d know that I was completely addicted, almost obsessed with FFXIV. It was the last game that’s captured me in that way. By “in that way” I mean, the excitement to log on and play, the friendships formed, the what-would-probably-be-annoying-but-isn’t-annoying fate grinded in Costa Del Sol where (on a ps3) was so laggy that things would eventually disappear and people would move to the next fate before you even knew it existed. It was hell, but my lord, it was fun. I cannot tell you how high my happiness levels raised when my pugilist – I mean, Monk – turned to level 50 and strutted around in his badass gear. I was the heart of the party, literally. I wore that tag with pride.

I bring this up because over the last couple of months, I haven’t been able to fully bring myself to indulge in a game. And even when I’ve wanted to, it’s been too exhausting. It’s upsetting, mostly. For something that has always given me solace and raised my happiness, it’s sad feeling as if there’s none around that will genuinely make me feel that way again. I mean, Dark Souls is hella fun, but it’s not exactly… exciting. It’s more of a I-want-to-hang-myself-if-I-die-again kind of game. I can’t come home and enjoy a nice session of dodge, roll, slash, roll, roll, roll, roll, slash, dodge, get smacked, roll, roll, roll, estus flask, slash after a long day of work. This isn’t me saying it’s a bad game, it’s a bloody brilliant game, but it’s not relaxing and I don’t get the thrills that I’ve found previously.

The only games I have even been able to bring myself to play are games that I’ve played time and time before. Bayonetta, The Legend Of Zelda, Pokemon, Metal Gear Solid, Borderlands… I know what I’m doing so there’s no new scenery, excitement or anticipation. Don’t get me wrong, the replay value on these games are amazing – if you’re not playing on an old xBox 360 arcade that doesn’t support HDMI and your eyes just end up bleeding from the inside out trying to read the perk traits. Ugh, why oh why did I give away my elite? I took for granted how visually appealing the HD looked and thought it would be okay to switch back. I was wrong. What makes this worse, is that the nostalgic games I’ve been interested in lately are too bugged up on the ps3 to play, so much so that it’s rage inducing in itself. Damn you, Bethesda!

I write this, here, on alaskaar, to let the readers that followed the blog following my gaming journeys that I’ve hit a wall. That writing about old journeys on modern consoles isn’t working out and for the time being, whilst my life rushes around me at a full one hundred and sixty mph, I’ll probably be staying inactive for awhile. But, if you have any suggestions for either the ps3, xbox 360, xbox one, wii u, 3ds and pretty much any console aside the ps4 (one day, my sweet white ps4, you will be mine) then hit me up. I’ll be game if you guys are interested.

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