“Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

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Everything has changed. I’m an entirely different person to what I was a year ago; to what I was when I first entered 2016. The story’s the same, the face is the same but everything feels different. I’ve always strived for some sort of happiness, to feel something more than numb. But what this year has shown me is no matter what, happiness is not a destination, but a journey. And perhaps a neverending journey, but with every piece of progress, with every ounce of confidence that I gain, I know I’m closer to what once felt impossible. I’m getting there and it sure feels good.

There’s a thousand things I want to do and I want to change, but for everything I’ve ever gone through, for ever decision I’ve ever made, I’m so glad that I’m here right now. There are days when all I want is to not exist, and those days of feeling nothing are still going to be a part of my life. But recently, those days have lessened and I’m reminded that there’s more to life than what it is right now. I got the chance to travel to Germany, to experience something amazing with the best people I could. I’ve got to write and write and write to my hearts content. At first, I thought that what I was doing in the present would be what I would end up doing forever, and I lost so much motivation because I could never see myself any different than a deadbeat. And whilst I still may not make it in a world where there are so many other talented people; where I can easily be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about, I might just have fun trying. I might be working a minimum-wage bar job with long hours with headaches that hurt the back of my eyes, but these eyes have so much more to see. So much more to appreciate.

Positivity doesn’t come to me that often. Especially not the type where I want to write it and show it because I know soon enough I’ll want to write how I want the earth to swallow me up. Some things won’t change, but the way you handle each situation and each downfall will get better. Everyone is fighting their own battle, but we fight it side by side.

Peace, xoalaskaar.

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“I take back every word that I said,”

Months have gone by and this platform of tangled and contradictory text posts has gone completely untouched. While my hiatus was unannounced, the break was needed. The endless hours I placed into what I thought was therapeutic writing was only my further decline. Instead of overcoming my Depression, I came to terms with it. I accepted it as part of my day-to-day life instead of trying to recover from it. I gave it a name; I gave it a home rent-free. I fed it until it swelled up like a tumour and took over my body like a puppet.

Here’s to a new mindset. Here’s to a new life.

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Show respect to gain respect.

The ideology of respect has been distorted massively. It’s something that people have decided is a necessitity rather than something that is earned. Many people live by the phrase of “respect me and I will respect you,” but it’s become clear that even then, it’s seems almost impossible for a fraction of consideration to be given out.

When I think of respect, I think of a kindness towards others, a consideration and a sprinkle of care. Because the truth is, to show respect, you have to be amiable. There needs to be a sense of politeness for someone to want to respect you. It’s ignorant to walk into a situation acting boystrous, rude and unthoughtful whilst demanding the respect of others. If someone walks up and kicks you in the ribs while you sleep, are you really going to show them respect? Did they show you any respect? Of course not.

Today, on my way to university I saw something that genuinely made me lose a bit more faith in humanity. Sometimes, I’ll come across something that will restore that, but today was one of the days where it descended rather than climbed. At 9:55a.m. outside of the train station, a police officer decided to ‘move’ a homeless man that slept outside under the shelter. There was many of ways to go around this, but instead, the police officer decided to kick his toes into this homeless mans ribs and tell him to “move along” because he was a “dirty bum.” Being awoken in such a manner caused this homeless man to wake up quickly and jump to his feet, and then proceeding to pick up all of his stuff, the police officer decided to taunt him some more by saying he “shouldn’t be sleeping here.” Now, this man, who has no bed to call his own, has found a place with shelter right next to road where he probably didn’t sleep. In retaliation to the officers taunts, (we’ve all woken up on the wrong side of the bed and been a little moody) the homeless man says “piss off, mate,” and here is where this warrior of the law decides that even though he has just kicked a man awake, taunted and degraded him, needs to be respected. Now, some people may say “that’s a police officer, you’ve got to respect him!” but no. You do not have to respect anyone that shows such a disgusting and intolerant attitude towards you. Furthermore, you have no right to even preach about respect after treating someone like a stray dog picking up scraps. It’s inhumane.- and it’s even more disgraceful that even when this entire situation was moved on and over with, the officer decided to walk back and have a laugh with his officer mates. Excuse me, did you not just see what you did?

You’ll often find that those who lack the skills of consideration are the ones that demand respect the most, and it’s very unfair. You shouldn’t be forced to respect someone because they have a ‘better’ place in society than yourself. Because the truth is, no one’s life is more precious than your own. No living, breathing human with a beating heart should be treated with such disregard. It doesn’t take much to feel empathy for those around you, and maybe it’s time for people to become a little more educated on emotions rather than social structure.

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New stuff!

Anyone who regularly looks at my blog may notice that a few things have changed. Not only do I have a super cute font for these little on screen words, but I also have an entirely new category called ‘Real Life,’ and that’s what it is!

Keeping this short, the plan is to tackle every day things in the media with my own thoughts and opinions. Opinions matter and I really want to be able to have you guys join in and share what you think too, whether the same or entirely different! I want to hear from all of you.

Another thing is the 30 days challenge! Everyone has heard of it, but this one is the road to happiness. I’ve spent far too long dwelling and sharing my own tangled thoughts with my fellow readers, and whilst I plan on making sure you all know I’m here for you, I plan on finding my happiness again with pictures and words. The idea is to write one thing a day that makes you happy. I highly suggest anyone who relates closely to my usual blog posts to do the same, and make sure you let me know because I’ll be there to read everything you write and encourage you on your journeys!

Peace,

alaskaar~

xo

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Right and Wrong, yes or no?

Dear Diary, I cannot fathom my own thoughts. No amount of time has helped me progress the understanding of the mismatched constellations inside my own head.

In the last few weeks, the lines between doing something because it’s the right thing to do and doing something because you feel like you have to has become somewhat blurred. It’s never easy to try and detangle your thoughts after months of justifying the pressure that’s been placed on you and actually deciding whether it’s right or wrong. Anyone knows that trying to comprehend the thoughts that are disorganised and misplaced somewhere within the cells of your mind is like trying to detangle sewing cotton after it’s been stretched and rolled into a ball… It feels impossible. But when you look a little closer at the factors that has caused the tangling, the reasons as to why this started then things start to make a little sense.

I’m writing this mainly to get my own thoughts out there. To be able to write and be heard so that people in the same predicament or a similar situation actually takes a step back and sees it for what it really is. You can want to do something, but it may not be the right thing to do. Feeling forced or being guilted into doing something is only going to end badly and what you’re currently feeling will only ever worsen. Take time to realise what the consequences will be: will you be happy if you go through with it? will it makes things worse? will it make things better? do you want to do it, or do you feel like you have to?

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Sunday, February 28th, 2016.

Having someone to genuinely open up to is a terrifying experience. How much information is too much information? Is it even safe to tell them what goes on inside your head with the complete trust that they won’t judge or treat you any differently? It’s a question that’s plagued me, and eventually plagued my relationships for many years. I’ve either told too much or too little and I find it hard to find the balance to keep things flowing.

This year has been an entirely new experience for me as a whole. I entered 2016 with my head hanging over the toilet with the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced. I thought to myself “hey, it’s a new year, time for things to turn around!” but I’ve eventually come to worry and stress about things that I pushed to the back of my mind long ago. It’s almost a annual occurance for this to happen – every now and then I can’t help but begin to wonder where I went wrong. There’s only so many times you can talk to a silent journal with your black ink before you realise your biggest mistake might have been taking on everything alone.

Skip back to 2008. By this point, I had complete confidence that my former childhood problems would vanish the more I drowned them in nicotine and alcohol. By the end of 2009 after what could only be described as my own wrongful making, I sacrificed what would have been most of my young adult years pretending I was older than what I was. When I realised that my friends were taken from me by force, my life had gone 100mph without me noticing that I had been dragged into adulthood without my consent, I bailed as soon as I managed to release the chains. I lived the way I wanted to for a good couple of months before again, I was turned into something I shouldn’t have been. I finished 2015 and entered into the new 2016 wondering where I went wrong at every turn. Why was I always placed into a situation that affected me mentally, that dragged me down into the pits of hell where I gradually burned every fibre of hope of happiness that I owned.

It doesn’t take long to realise the naivity you’ve experienced over the years. Always wishing things would be better – being told they will be better. Even when you tell yourself that you can and will walk away when it gets too much, you can’t. You’ve been sucked too deep into a vortex and the only way out is the legendary difficulty maze with a raging Capra Demon at the end. It almost seems impossible the more you try and fail, eventually accepting that this is it now. I’m a quick learner, but I’ll never get the hang of dealing with unpredictability. I’ll never fully be able to cope with the realisation of my vulnerability. The real problem is, is it’s practically impossible for me to be comfortable with opening up, without feeling guilty and allowing others to help guide me back to safety.

In every post I write, I try and remind my readers – the ones who stumble across these disorganised string of words laced together with punctuation – that they’re worth something. It’s because I know that it’s far too easy for others to bring you down, and it’s even easier for the words to implant themselves into your head where the only course of action feels like surgery to remove the tumour of self-loathing to be removed. With enough thought, self-relaxation and a reminder that without you, someone, somewhere will never experience what you and you only can give them. There’s something about everyone that makes them special, but it takes the right person to see that and appreciate it properly.

Edit: I probably wont keep this on here for long. I just needed to vent. I’m tired of being stuck inside my own head.

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My life in video games.

For anyone that was around loitering my blog and twitter last summer, you’d know that I was completely addicted, almost obsessed with FFXIV. It was the last game that’s captured me in that way. By “in that way” I mean, the excitement to log on and play, the friendships formed, the what-would-probably-be-annoying-but-isn’t-annoying fate grinded in Costa Del Sol where (on a ps3) was so laggy that things would eventually disappear and people would move to the next fate before you even knew it existed. It was hell, but my lord, it was fun. I cannot tell you how high my happiness levels raised when my pugilist – I mean, Monk – turned to level 50 and strutted around in his badass gear. I was the heart of the party, literally. I wore that tag with pride.

I bring this up because over the last couple of months, I haven’t been able to fully bring myself to indulge in a game. And even when I’ve wanted to, it’s been too exhausting. It’s upsetting, mostly. For something that has always given me solace and raised my happiness, it’s sad feeling as if there’s none around that will genuinely make me feel that way again. I mean, Dark Souls is hella fun, but it’s not exactly… exciting. It’s more of a I-want-to-hang-myself-if-I-die-again kind of game. I can’t come home and enjoy a nice session of dodge, roll, slash, roll, roll, roll, roll, slash, dodge, get smacked, roll, roll, roll, estus flask, slash after a long day of work. This isn’t me saying it’s a bad game, it’s a bloody brilliant game, but it’s not relaxing and I don’t get the thrills that I’ve found previously.

The only games I have even been able to bring myself to play are games that I’ve played time and time before. Bayonetta, The Legend Of Zelda, Pokemon, Metal Gear Solid, Borderlands… I know what I’m doing so there’s no new scenery, excitement or anticipation. Don’t get me wrong, the replay value on these games are amazing – if you’re not playing on an old xBox 360 arcade that doesn’t support HDMI and your eyes just end up bleeding from the inside out trying to read the perk traits. Ugh, why oh why did I give away my elite? I took for granted how visually appealing the HD looked and thought it would be okay to switch back. I was wrong. What makes this worse, is that the nostalgic games I’ve been interested in lately are too bugged up on the ps3 to play, so much so that it’s rage inducing in itself. Damn you, Bethesda!

I write this, here, on alaskaar, to let the readers that followed the blog following my gaming journeys that I’ve hit a wall. That writing about old journeys on modern consoles isn’t working out and for the time being, whilst my life rushes around me at a full one hundred and sixty mph, I’ll probably be staying inactive for awhile. But, if you have any suggestions for either the ps3, xbox 360, xbox one, wii u, 3ds and pretty much any console aside the ps4 (one day, my sweet white ps4, you will be mine) then hit me up. I’ll be game if you guys are interested.

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Together we stand; divided we fall.

It’s February, I’m currently wondering what on earth happened to the Kerrang! channel while it plays Babymetal and procrastination is at an all time high. I’m what you would call… happy. Take that lightly – I’m stressed out too. I have deadlines to meet, a paying job to get back and forth to and a whole lot of sleep to catch up on. But, I’ve finally realised that my own happiness matters and even through the stress that I’m currently drowning under, I can safely say that I won’t be close to jumping off a cliff anytime soon.

You see, dear reader, it’s far too easy to get stuck in a place that isn’t healthy for you mentally or physically. I’ve been there far too many times and no matter how much I write about getting better, I have only ever gotten worse. I fought at every corner possible and there was no time out for a breather. I could scream at the top of my lungs and go completely unheard. I could spend days upon days inside the comfort of my own four walls and still be anxious that I’ve done something wrong to someone. It was real and it was painful and goddamnit, I ached from fear everyday. For years, I thought of myself as a strong and unbreakable person, only to be brought down to earth with a huge crash bang and a realisation that I’m just as fragile as anyone else. 2016, you’ve completely broken me. Thanks for that, bud.

I was close to the same destruction that haunted my teenage years. I didn’t care about what happened to me. Fail uni? That’s fine, I was prepared to work a minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life until I finally get a casket and stone to call my own. Lost my current job? Ah what the hell, I hardly go out enough to need the money anyway. Lost the people around me? What do they see in me anyway? I’m unfunny, offensive, loud and always insecure… they’d be better off without me bringing them down. I had no care in the world apart from what was going on inside my head. The fear of being alone forever, but pushing people away as soon as they knew too much. The tears I shed thinking about what would happen if I never made it into writing, but knowing that all I am is just another wannabe writer sitting at a laptop feeling so much self-pity that blog posts have become entirely dark and dull. I was someone I didn’t want to be, and it took months of being lonely and falling victim to my own thoughts to realise that it needs to change.

Not all things have changed. Like this for example, those of you reading will still read about how sad I’ve been and right now I wish I could be anywhere else but here. I’ve woken up too afraid to go to university just in case I fuck-up somewhere along the lines and I feel like I haven’t slept a wink despite last night being the most I’ve slept in the past two weeks. Not all things will change either and that’s the important part. I can write about being happy and what it will take for me to happy, but the truth is, is that there will always come a time where things are overwhelming. Where people are too much and where my life seems to flip the big “fuck you” in my face. But that’s okay, because now I can finally sit back and say hey, I matter too. And that’s the part that has made me happy. To know that somewhere along the lines, I do matter and that if I’m not content with things then something needs to change. Even if it is a little more mind-numbing, quality movie time.

I say it all the time, but you’re really not alone in this world. And never forget that. It’s easy to get too involved in helping and being there for other people to the point where you forget that you matter too. People will take advantage of that, especially when they know how easy it is for you to put them before you put yourself, but no matter what, remember that your happiness matters too. As soon as you forget about your own thoughts and emotions entirely is the point where you’ll end up spiraling to rock bottom without even noticing until it’s too late to get yourself out. You matter to me. Your happiness matters to me and it always will.

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“Are we human?”

 

Gloomy. Sadness. Depression. No matter what word you label it with, it’s a hard place to be in no matter what the situation. True that people may be feeling these emotions over completely different things, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting you. You are an individual. You will experience things differently. You will have your own coping methods. No one can tell you what to do or how to deal with your own personal demons, no matter how much advice you seek from those around you. The harsh reality is, is you must figure things out on your own to really sit back at the end of the day and know what’s happened has been resolved. Your own step is the only step that will matter on the road to your eventual mental happiness – it isn’t going to be handed to you on a silver platter and served to you by silver spoon. You are strong and you can pull yourself out of this.

I’ve had my fair share of demons to battle during 2015. Perhaps its the reason for my little to non-existent motivation to write. My lack of inspiration in life. The complete disappearance of any kind of natural pleasure in simple daily activities. I sought after advice and I followed closely but I could never feel accomplished. I never felt like I truly resolved my overwhelming problematic voices whispering in my ear that I was nothing. I got rid of the problems that affected everyone else. For example, my moods. My changing moods, panic attacks and outburst of tears got… “irritating,” as they say. So I tried to eradicate them and in response I faked my happiness. I pretended I was okay until I was alone in my own four walls with nothing and no one but myself. It’s like having to wear a mask to cover up your true self. It crippled me. Paralyzed me until I realised that the phrase “just be happy” was my problem.

People will tell you time and time again to “just be happy.” They repeat it over and over again, as if it’s the easiest thing to do. They’ll say they’ve been through it – they may even say they’ve been through worse – but they are NOT you. They coped with it, or they are coping with it in their own way and it’s only fair to let yourself as an individual find yourself and what will help you. You like reading a book? Go ahead. Take that time and read for endless hours until your head is filled with elegant vocabulary and the voices that whisper are characters. You like films? Watch them. Watch their sequels. Watch what came before them. Shape your dreams into what you want and go where you want to be. You don’t have to live by someone else’s standards of “just be happy.” Being comfortable isn’t wearing a mask, its knowing you. And knowing you is the first real step to shaping your own mental stability.

Something I want to point out though… You are not alone. You can talk and you can rant. You can post a blog post to get what it is off your chest. Whether you read this or you quickly scroll past, just know that I am here for you. You are beautiful and you are special to me. No matter who you are or if I have spoken with you or not. Your happiness matters to me, and if you’re not happy then I’m here to wish you all the luck in finding that happiness. This is our journey, and I’ll walk it hand in hand with each and every one of you.

 

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Socialpathic [Part 1: An Introduction] **currently unfinished**

I’ve always known the difference between being acceptable and being weird. As far as I can remember, I have known what I should be doing and how I should be acting to what will ultimately be social suicide. How many other six year olds can recall making friends because they have to and not because they want to?

It’s not that friends never interested me because they did. People did. The way they interacted with each other, the jokes that they shared, the moments of happiness and sadness and the way that they would confide in each other. Craving that kind of relationship with another person was the hardest part of growing up, because I wanted it but there was never anyone that I could trust. I tried multiple times through my school years to find those people, but instead I would take as the silent other that would just listen, advise and be there for the people that trusted me. I was always so trustworthy and as much as I wished the feeling was mutual, I could never reciprocate since I knew too much.

I had tried multiple times to do exactly that – to completely break down my wall of security and to let people in. The first time being in year ten, and ever since then I’ve wished day after day that I had never done that. I knew that it was going to be my first “heartbreak” (I never liked that word, my heart was fine, I was just a little sad and confused) but I never knew the implications it would cause me in the long-term. Saying that, it was the first time I called a thing a relationship because he came to my concert and drank straight vodka with me afterwards. Romance isn’t dead. More on that later, though.

Ever since I can fully remember, my relationships with people have been a strange, tangled feeling that I could never make sense of. It was terrifying to be a part of something where I couldn’t predict the outcome and I took to a multitude of different personalities and molded them together into what I believed was likeable and acceptable. I wish I could say that this isn’t the case anymore, but it’s still a vital part of me and in the times that I’ve let that wall of security drop, my insecurities begin to surround me, engulfing me like a bone crunching snake that makes my chest feel tight and my oxygen levels lowering. Just like that sentence.

I won’t lie, friends have given me unforgettable memories. A lot of the time, people in my shoes say that they would much rather be alone, but not for me. I surrounded myself in their company and I enjoyed it. I envied the ones who were close-knit and I would find myself judging those friendships – would they or would they not be friends outside of school? Would they think of each other time and time again? I want to boast about how I was correct about most of them, but I also hate to admit that my school hours were spent pondering those kinds of things.

Writing this now, I wasted a huge portion of my life thinking. Everybody thinks, all day, every day. Here’s the difference – instead of plain thinking, I was overthinking. The past, the present, the future. I would analyse every single move a person would make; every facial expression meant something to me. If the tone of their voice was slightly lowered or monotone, I backed away and rethought my strategy. It got worse once I took to social media, where people took advantage of online talking rather than talking in real life. Where abbreviating words became popular and conversations turned mundane. A one word reply and I would spend the next hour wondering what I did wrong, what was it about me that didn’t interest anyone.

The truth is, I have always been stuck in a state of nostalgia. I don’t mean past-nostalgia either. Imagining the future of yourself and others around you is a kind of nostalgia if you think about it – you may not know the true outcome of what’s going to happen but you can have a good guess. My life is a state of imaginary happenings, past happenings and I-wish-it-would-happen.

***unfinished. expect edits & more content to be added later***

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