The Albums that Shaped Me.

1. Blink-182 “Enema of the State” is not my favourite album of Blink-182. In fact, my favourite enema-of-the-statewould be “Take Off your Pants and Jacket,” and has been since I discovered it.
This album features songs such as “Going Away to College”, “Rock Show” and “Adam’s Song” which are some of the major hits Blink 182 have to this day. Whilst I’m a hardcore Blink fan now, 1999’s “Enema of the State” was what introduced me to the band that would follow me through life. A band that wouldn’t leave my side and who will forever have my support. I would have been about four or five years old for the release of this album, but when I actually started to explore my own music tastes, this was the band that showed me the pop-punk genre. I know it seems a little clichéd but this album felt like the start of my own individuality – and Blink-182 would become the band that I relied heavily on when I was unsure of myself. They would become the pick me up I would rely on when school got too annoying, when I wanted to drown out the sounds of people around me and whenever I wanted to be just plain silly. Blink-182 is also the reason I’ve become so close to some of the most important people in my life, and the reason why I have so many memories of running back into clubs with my friends to shout the words of “Always” on my knees as if I’m proposing to them. It’s hard not to love Blink-182.

2. Pink Floyd “The Wall” is what my mother would probably say her favourite band is. Or at least one of them. Literally from the moment I started creating any memories I can the-wallremember this band, just as much as I can remember The Beatles “Lucy in the sky with diamonds.” Nowadays, I don’t listen to them all that much. I think the last time I actually listened to a full album was when my boyfriend and I properly set up the vinyl player in
our room and I decided to see what an old Pink Floyd album would sound like. But the band has now turned into a comfort blanket. They’re a band that will be featured in playlists that I listen to when I’m feeling down, because it’s like remembering my family together playing “name the song games” and certain songs just reminds me of the stories my mam would tell me, even when I’ve heard them a thousand times before. It reminds me of the times my mother would quote the words “if you don’t eat your meat you cant have any pudding, how can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?!” Most of all, it’s special to me because it’s special to her. It’s hard to explain, but this album will be featured in every music collection I own, just for the sheer comfort and memories of it all.

3. My Chemical Romance “I brought you my bullets, you brought me your love” is the first album I purchased with my own money. Granted, I only knew the name when I found this in store because all I had heard before this was a seli_brought_you_my_bullets_you_brought_me_your_love_coverect few songs from the “Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge” album. Which, is of course, an album that should be in the hearts of every pop-punk fan. In all honesty, I hated this album when I first listened to it on the stereo I had gotten for Christmas. I didn’t know it, I couldn’t get into it and, at the time, it just sounded gross on full blast. I think after a couple of weeks I actually traded it with my brothers Fightstar’s “Grand Unification,” album because at least I could sing along to it. It took me a few years to actually listen to Bullets again, but this time, it was amazing. Years upon years was now spent listening to sometimes overproduced tracks that would sound entirely different live. But the pure rawness, the brilliance and the emotion of this album stuck out to me on the second listen. Before this, I was only into the pop-punk scene of sing alongs and catchy guitar riffs, but after this, I started listening to everything. I started listening to music instead of just catchy chorus’s. (Sorry Blink, you’re still my favourite band, but you don’t take much brains!) Only ever really hearing the sounds of metal emitting from my brothers cave, Bullets made me want to explore into heavier music. It brought me to bands such as Bring Me The Horizon, From First To Last and (with help from my brother) The Used. “The Black Parade” album did give MCR a bad reputation for awhile, with the movement and the cult attire, but there’s been many of people I have borrowed Bullets to that’s decided they’re not such a bad band after all.

4.Pink “Mizzunderstood.” In an industry dominated mostly by male vocalists, Pink has never failed to show off her talents and her personality. She’s an influence to many, many female artists in the industry today. Most of all, an influence of mine. This album was a fairly early Christmas present, and whilst I say Blink’s “Enema of the State” started out my music expinkploration, Pink’s album was the reason I would sing at the top of my lungs. “Mizzunderstood” became the first album, along with my first stereo, that I was blast whenever I needed to vent. Whenever I needed five minutes of loud music to destress eight or nine year old me. Plus, the song “Just Like a Pill” gave me reason to say “bitch” as much as I wanted to without getting my butt smacked. My mam’s the one who bought it, so she couldn’t be angry at me. Of course, that would be the only time I was allowed to swear, so I’d make sure this album would come with me on car rides. In 2006, I went to see Pink live on her “I’m Not Dead” tour with my cousins girlfriend – now wife – and it was probably the most character shaping experience I’ve had. Pink’s fans ranged from a lot more than just angsty teenagers with issues at home and school. It was 2006’s version of the LGBT community. If I speak honestly, the love, the acceptance and the care I have from people comes from what Pink has spoken and sung about. Pink has forever made me want to be a better person, if not her…

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“Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

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Everything has changed. I’m an entirely different person to what I was a year ago; to what I was when I first entered 2016. The story’s the same, the face is the same but everything feels different. I’ve always strived for some sort of happiness, to feel something more than numb. But what this year has shown me is no matter what, happiness is not a destination, but a journey. And perhaps a neverending journey, but with every piece of progress, with every ounce of confidence that I gain, I know I’m closer to what once felt impossible. I’m getting there and it sure feels good.

There’s a thousand things I want to do and I want to change, but for everything I’ve ever gone through, for ever decision I’ve ever made, I’m so glad that I’m here right now. There are days when all I want is to not exist, and those days of feeling nothing are still going to be a part of my life. But recently, those days have lessened and I’m reminded that there’s more to life than what it is right now. I got the chance to travel to Germany, to experience something amazing with the best people I could. I’ve got to write and write and write to my hearts content. At first, I thought that what I was doing in the present would be what I would end up doing forever, and I lost so much motivation because I could never see myself any different than a deadbeat. And whilst I still may not make it in a world where there are so many other talented people; where I can easily be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about, I might just have fun trying. I might be working a minimum-wage bar job with long hours with headaches that hurt the back of my eyes, but these eyes have so much more to see. So much more to appreciate.

Positivity doesn’t come to me that often. Especially not the type where I want to write it and show it because I know soon enough I’ll want to write how I want the earth to swallow me up. Some things won’t change, but the way you handle each situation and each downfall will get better. Everyone is fighting their own battle, but we fight it side by side.

Peace, xoalaskaar.

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Show respect to gain respect.

The ideology of respect has been distorted massively. It’s something that people have decided is a necessitity rather than something that is earned. Many people live by the phrase of “respect me and I will respect you,” but it’s become clear that even then, it’s seems almost impossible for a fraction of consideration to be given out.

When I think of respect, I think of a kindness towards others, a consideration and a sprinkle of care. Because the truth is, to show respect, you have to be amiable. There needs to be a sense of politeness for someone to want to respect you. It’s ignorant to walk into a situation acting boystrous, rude and unthoughtful whilst demanding the respect of others. If someone walks up and kicks you in the ribs while you sleep, are you really going to show them respect? Did they show you any respect? Of course not.

Today, on my way to university I saw something that genuinely made me lose a bit more faith in humanity. Sometimes, I’ll come across something that will restore that, but today was one of the days where it descended rather than climbed. At 9:55a.m. outside of the train station, a police officer decided to ‘move’ a homeless man that slept outside under the shelter. There was many of ways to go around this, but instead, the police officer decided to kick his toes into this homeless mans ribs and tell him to “move along” because he was a “dirty bum.” Being awoken in such a manner caused this homeless man to wake up quickly and jump to his feet, and then proceeding to pick up all of his stuff, the police officer decided to taunt him some more by saying he “shouldn’t be sleeping here.” Now, this man, who has no bed to call his own, has found a place with shelter right next to road where he probably didn’t sleep. In retaliation to the officers taunts, (we’ve all woken up on the wrong side of the bed and been a little moody) the homeless man says “piss off, mate,” and here is where this warrior of the law decides that even though he has just kicked a man awake, taunted and degraded him, needs to be respected. Now, some people may say “that’s a police officer, you’ve got to respect him!” but no. You do not have to respect anyone that shows such a disgusting and intolerant attitude towards you. Furthermore, you have no right to even preach about respect after treating someone like a stray dog picking up scraps. It’s inhumane.- and it’s even more disgraceful that even when this entire situation was moved on and over with, the officer decided to walk back and have a laugh with his officer mates. Excuse me, did you not just see what you did?

You’ll often find that those who lack the skills of consideration are the ones that demand respect the most, and it’s very unfair. You shouldn’t be forced to respect someone because they have a ‘better’ place in society than yourself. Because the truth is, no one’s life is more precious than your own. No living, breathing human with a beating heart should be treated with such disregard. It doesn’t take much to feel empathy for those around you, and maybe it’s time for people to become a little more educated on emotions rather than social structure.

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Right and Wrong, yes or no?

Dear Diary, I cannot fathom my own thoughts. No amount of time has helped me progress the understanding of the mismatched constellations inside my own head.

In the last few weeks, the lines between doing something because it’s the right thing to do and doing something because you feel like you have to has become somewhat blurred. It’s never easy to try and detangle your thoughts after months of justifying the pressure that’s been placed on you and actually deciding whether it’s right or wrong. Anyone knows that trying to comprehend the thoughts that are disorganised and misplaced somewhere within the cells of your mind is like trying to detangle sewing cotton after it’s been stretched and rolled into a ball… It feels impossible. But when you look a little closer at the factors that has caused the tangling, the reasons as to why this started then things start to make a little sense.

I’m writing this mainly to get my own thoughts out there. To be able to write and be heard so that people in the same predicament or a similar situation actually takes a step back and sees it for what it really is. You can want to do something, but it may not be the right thing to do. Feeling forced or being guilted into doing something is only going to end badly and what you’re currently feeling will only ever worsen. Take time to realise what the consequences will be: will you be happy if you go through with it? will it makes things worse? will it make things better? do you want to do it, or do you feel like you have to?

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Sunday, February 28th, 2016.

Having someone to genuinely open up to is a terrifying experience. How much information is too much information? Is it even safe to tell them what goes on inside your head with the complete trust that they won’t judge or treat you any differently? It’s a question that’s plagued me, and eventually plagued my relationships for many years. I’ve either told too much or too little and I find it hard to find the balance to keep things flowing.

This year has been an entirely new experience for me as a whole. I entered 2016 with my head hanging over the toilet with the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced. I thought to myself “hey, it’s a new year, time for things to turn around!” but I’ve eventually come to worry and stress about things that I pushed to the back of my mind long ago. It’s almost a annual occurance for this to happen – every now and then I can’t help but begin to wonder where I went wrong. There’s only so many times you can talk to a silent journal with your black ink before you realise your biggest mistake might have been taking on everything alone.

Skip back to 2008. By this point, I had complete confidence that my former childhood problems would vanish the more I drowned them in nicotine and alcohol. By the end of 2009 after what could only be described as my own wrongful making, I sacrificed what would have been most of my young adult years pretending I was older than what I was. When I realised that my friends were taken from me by force, my life had gone 100mph without me noticing that I had been dragged into adulthood without my consent, I bailed as soon as I managed to release the chains. I lived the way I wanted to for a good couple of months before again, I was turned into something I shouldn’t have been. I finished 2015 and entered into the new 2016 wondering where I went wrong at every turn. Why was I always placed into a situation that affected me mentally, that dragged me down into the pits of hell where I gradually burned every fibre of hope of happiness that I owned.

It doesn’t take long to realise the naivity you’ve experienced over the years. Always wishing things would be better – being told they will be better. Even when you tell yourself that you can and will walk away when it gets too much, you can’t. You’ve been sucked too deep into a vortex and the only way out is the legendary difficulty maze with a raging Capra Demon at the end. It almost seems impossible the more you try and fail, eventually accepting that this is it now. I’m a quick learner, but I’ll never get the hang of dealing with unpredictability. I’ll never fully be able to cope with the realisation of my vulnerability. The real problem is, is it’s practically impossible for me to be comfortable with opening up, without feeling guilty and allowing others to help guide me back to safety.

In every post I write, I try and remind my readers – the ones who stumble across these disorganised string of words laced together with punctuation – that they’re worth something. It’s because I know that it’s far too easy for others to bring you down, and it’s even easier for the words to implant themselves into your head where the only course of action feels like surgery to remove the tumour of self-loathing to be removed. With enough thought, self-relaxation and a reminder that without you, someone, somewhere will never experience what you and you only can give them. There’s something about everyone that makes them special, but it takes the right person to see that and appreciate it properly.

Edit: I probably wont keep this on here for long. I just needed to vent. I’m tired of being stuck inside my own head.

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“Are we human?”

 

Gloomy. Sadness. Depression. No matter what word you label it with, it’s a hard place to be in no matter what the situation. True that people may be feeling these emotions over completely different things, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting you. You are an individual. You will experience things differently. You will have your own coping methods. No one can tell you what to do or how to deal with your own personal demons, no matter how much advice you seek from those around you. The harsh reality is, is you must figure things out on your own to really sit back at the end of the day and know what’s happened has been resolved. Your own step is the only step that will matter on the road to your eventual mental happiness – it isn’t going to be handed to you on a silver platter and served to you by silver spoon. You are strong and you can pull yourself out of this.

I’ve had my fair share of demons to battle during 2015. Perhaps its the reason for my little to non-existent motivation to write. My lack of inspiration in life. The complete disappearance of any kind of natural pleasure in simple daily activities. I sought after advice and I followed closely but I could never feel accomplished. I never felt like I truly resolved my overwhelming problematic voices whispering in my ear that I was nothing. I got rid of the problems that affected everyone else. For example, my moods. My changing moods, panic attacks and outburst of tears got… “irritating,” as they say. So I tried to eradicate them and in response I faked my happiness. I pretended I was okay until I was alone in my own four walls with nothing and no one but myself. It’s like having to wear a mask to cover up your true self. It crippled me. Paralyzed me until I realised that the phrase “just be happy” was my problem.

People will tell you time and time again to “just be happy.” They repeat it over and over again, as if it’s the easiest thing to do. They’ll say they’ve been through it – they may even say they’ve been through worse – but they are NOT you. They coped with it, or they are coping with it in their own way and it’s only fair to let yourself as an individual find yourself and what will help you. You like reading a book? Go ahead. Take that time and read for endless hours until your head is filled with elegant vocabulary and the voices that whisper are characters. You like films? Watch them. Watch their sequels. Watch what came before them. Shape your dreams into what you want and go where you want to be. You don’t have to live by someone else’s standards of “just be happy.” Being comfortable isn’t wearing a mask, its knowing you. And knowing you is the first real step to shaping your own mental stability.

Something I want to point out though… You are not alone. You can talk and you can rant. You can post a blog post to get what it is off your chest. Whether you read this or you quickly scroll past, just know that I am here for you. You are beautiful and you are special to me. No matter who you are or if I have spoken with you or not. Your happiness matters to me, and if you’re not happy then I’m here to wish you all the luck in finding that happiness. This is our journey, and I’ll walk it hand in hand with each and every one of you.

 

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“You were high definition, now you’re barely 720!”

Nothing beats a title than referencing McBusted.

If you’ve listened to the mighty McBusted’s album, you will know the song “Before you knew me.” If not, you can click here and listen to it yourself, you might even like it! It’s catchy and it’s sort of relatable to those in a long-term relationship. Why? Because people do change when they get themselves into a relationship and spend so much time in the company of others. Don’t get me wrong, they will still be themselves as an individual, but they will mold into someone new. As a person in a long-term relationship, I can confirm that myself and my loving boyfriend have changed and become new people that have more in common than we initially did. It’s not a bad thing unless there’s some serious changes that turns you into some complete psychopath who’s the female version of your boyfriend, but it’s more likely a good thing, allowing both parties of the relationship to connect on different levels whilst doing the things they love and communicating in some kind of secret code.

Think of it this way, you start talking to a new person. They know nothing about you, and you don’t know anything about them. They’re a blank canvas in your world as you are to them, but the more you talk the more you get to know what they like, what they dislike, they’re favourite music and films and their personality in general. You’re canvas begins filling up and up and up by the day. You start to hang out with them, you spend time in their company doing things they love and you think to yourself “Hey, this is quite fun actually!” and now you’re enjoying the same things that they do and vise versa. Time goes on and you may put more time into this specific activity, and then it becomes a personal enjoyment that you can do when you’re not around your love interest. You start to talk about it, research it, take part in it. You’re expanding and the paint on your canvas intertwines with theirs. It’s natural and it happens.

It doesn’t stop there. I’ve previously stated the way little things can make an impression on other people too, such as words. Personally, I never used to swear unless highly intoxicated and really, really annoyed. Even then, it was in the company of those who would not judge me for it, but now, I’m like a walking profanity. I even enjoy Super Smash Bros Wii U and I’ve gone as far as raging each time Bowser Jr. jumps out of his exploding cart and catches me out, resulting in the imminent final smash on poor little Pikachu.

People think of change as a bad thing, especially in a relationship when in reality it’s nothing more than a person expanding and growing. There will come some times when arguments will arise, but that happens in all relationships whether there’s nothing in common or a lot. People piss people off, that’s life. There may also be a situation in which you watch a person become someone you hardly know, and that’s the change that can affect things because it’s like thinking you picked the best kind of apple and finding out it’s a parsnip. But that’s where people tend to place blame on someone for changing so much when in reality it’s not something you can just stop. Change will happen, and there should be no blame placed on the other for changing. They’ve just grown into something new, and that would inevitably happen whether it was in the next week or the next five years.

Relationships are ever-changing, and that’s what people need to understand and respect. No-one will ever stay as that lovely and sweet girl you met, or that charming and romantic man that you first met, because once you break the barrier into getting to know them and they know you, they become comfortable in letting you see other sides of them – the good and the bad sides that include endless laughter, crying into your blanket at 3a.m. and stuffing your face full of chocolate and having brown teeth. They see every side there is, and a person in a long-term relationship should definitely have an understanding about this, and be accepting of these different aspects.

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