Show respect to gain respect.

The ideology of respect has been distorted massively. It’s something that people have decided is a necessitity rather than something that is earned. Many people live by the phrase of “respect me and I will respect you,” but it’s become clear that even then, it’s seems almost impossible for a fraction of consideration to be given out.

When I think of respect, I think of a kindness towards others, a consideration and a sprinkle of care. Because the truth is, to show respect, you have to be amiable. There needs to be a sense of politeness for someone to want to respect you. It’s ignorant to walk into a situation acting boystrous, rude and unthoughtful whilst demanding the respect of others. If someone walks up and kicks you in the ribs while you sleep, are you really going to show them respect? Did they show you any respect? Of course not.

Today, on my way to university I saw something that genuinely made me lose a bit more faith in humanity. Sometimes, I’ll come across something that will restore that, but today was one of the days where it descended rather than climbed. At 9:55a.m. outside of the train station, a police officer decided to ‘move’ a homeless man that slept outside under the shelter. There was many of ways to go around this, but instead, the police officer decided to kick his toes into this homeless mans ribs and tell him to “move along” because he was a “dirty bum.” Being awoken in such a manner caused this homeless man to wake up quickly and jump to his feet, and then proceeding to pick up all of his stuff, the police officer decided to taunt him some more by saying he “shouldn’t be sleeping here.” Now, this man, who has no bed to call his own, has found a place with shelter right next to road where he probably didn’t sleep. In retaliation to the officers taunts, (we’ve all woken up on the wrong side of the bed and been a little moody) the homeless man says “piss off, mate,” and here is where this warrior of the law decides that even though he has just kicked a man awake, taunted and degraded him, needs to be respected. Now, some people may say “that’s a police officer, you’ve got to respect him!” but no. You do not have to respect anyone that shows such a disgusting and intolerant attitude towards you. Furthermore, you have no right to even preach about respect after treating someone like a stray dog picking up scraps. It’s inhumane.- and it’s even more disgraceful that even when this entire situation was moved on and over with, the officer decided to walk back and have a laugh with his officer mates. Excuse me, did you not just see what you did?

You’ll often find that those who lack the skills of consideration are the ones that demand respect the most, and it’s very unfair. You shouldn’t be forced to respect someone because they have a ‘better’ place in society than yourself. Because the truth is, no one’s life is more precious than your own. No living, breathing human with a beating heart should be treated with such disregard. It doesn’t take much to feel empathy for those around you, and maybe it’s time for people to become a little more educated on emotions rather than social structure.

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Right and Wrong, yes or no?

Dear Diary, I cannot fathom my own thoughts. No amount of time has helped me progress the understanding of the mismatched constellations inside my own head.

In the last few weeks, the lines between doing something because it’s the right thing to do and doing something because you feel like you have to has become somewhat blurred. It’s never easy to try and detangle your thoughts after months of justifying the pressure that’s been placed on you and actually deciding whether it’s right or wrong. Anyone knows that trying to comprehend the thoughts that are disorganised and misplaced somewhere within the cells of your mind is like trying to detangle sewing cotton after it’s been stretched and rolled into a ball… It feels impossible. But when you look a little closer at the factors that has caused the tangling, the reasons as to why this started then things start to make a little sense.

I’m writing this mainly to get my own thoughts out there. To be able to write and be heard so that people in the same predicament or a similar situation actually takes a step back and sees it for what it really is. You can want to do something, but it may not be the right thing to do. Feeling forced or being guilted into doing something is only going to end badly and what you’re currently feeling will only ever worsen. Take time to realise what the consequences will be: will you be happy if you go through with it? will it makes things worse? will it make things better? do you want to do it, or do you feel like you have to?

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Sunday, February 28th, 2016.

Having someone to genuinely open up to is a terrifying experience. How much information is too much information? Is it even safe to tell them what goes on inside your head with the complete trust that they won’t judge or treat you any differently? It’s a question that’s plagued me, and eventually plagued my relationships for many years. I’ve either told too much or too little and I find it hard to find the balance to keep things flowing.

This year has been an entirely new experience for me as a whole. I entered 2016 with my head hanging over the toilet with the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced. I thought to myself “hey, it’s a new year, time for things to turn around!” but I’ve eventually come to worry and stress about things that I pushed to the back of my mind long ago. It’s almost a annual occurance for this to happen – every now and then I can’t help but begin to wonder where I went wrong. There’s only so many times you can talk to a silent journal with your black ink before you realise your biggest mistake might have been taking on everything alone.

Skip back to 2008. By this point, I had complete confidence that my former childhood problems would vanish the more I drowned them in nicotine and alcohol. By the end of 2009 after what could only be described as my own wrongful making, I sacrificed what would have been most of my young adult years pretending I was older than what I was. When I realised that my friends were taken from me by force, my life had gone 100mph without me noticing that I had been dragged into adulthood without my consent, I bailed as soon as I managed to release the chains. I lived the way I wanted to for a good couple of months before again, I was turned into something I shouldn’t have been. I finished 2015 and entered into the new 2016 wondering where I went wrong at every turn. Why was I always placed into a situation that affected me mentally, that dragged me down into the pits of hell where I gradually burned every fibre of hope of happiness that I owned.

It doesn’t take long to realise the naivity you’ve experienced over the years. Always wishing things would be better – being told they will be better. Even when you tell yourself that you can and will walk away when it gets too much, you can’t. You’ve been sucked too deep into a vortex and the only way out is the legendary difficulty maze with a raging Capra Demon at the end. It almost seems impossible the more you try and fail, eventually accepting that this is it now. I’m a quick learner, but I’ll never get the hang of dealing with unpredictability. I’ll never fully be able to cope with the realisation of my vulnerability. The real problem is, is it’s practically impossible for me to be comfortable with opening up, without feeling guilty and allowing others to help guide me back to safety.

In every post I write, I try and remind my readers – the ones who stumble across these disorganised string of words laced together with punctuation – that they’re worth something. It’s because I know that it’s far too easy for others to bring you down, and it’s even easier for the words to implant themselves into your head where the only course of action feels like surgery to remove the tumour of self-loathing to be removed. With enough thought, self-relaxation and a reminder that without you, someone, somewhere will never experience what you and you only can give them. There’s something about everyone that makes them special, but it takes the right person to see that and appreciate it properly.

Edit: I probably wont keep this on here for long. I just needed to vent. I’m tired of being stuck inside my own head.

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Together we stand; divided we fall.

It’s February, I’m currently wondering what on earth happened to the Kerrang! channel while it plays Babymetal and procrastination is at an all time high. I’m what you would call… happy. Take that lightly – I’m stressed out too. I have deadlines to meet, a paying job to get back and forth to and a whole lot of sleep to catch up on. But, I’ve finally realised that my own happiness matters and even through the stress that I’m currently drowning under, I can safely say that I won’t be close to jumping off a cliff anytime soon.

You see, dear reader, it’s far too easy to get stuck in a place that isn’t healthy for you mentally or physically. I’ve been there far too many times and no matter how much I write about getting better, I have only ever gotten worse. I fought at every corner possible and there was no time out for a breather. I could scream at the top of my lungs and go completely unheard. I could spend days upon days inside the comfort of my own four walls and still be anxious that I’ve done something wrong to someone. It was real and it was painful and goddamnit, I ached from fear everyday. For years, I thought of myself as a strong and unbreakable person, only to be brought down to earth with a huge crash bang and a realisation that I’m just as fragile as anyone else. 2016, you’ve completely broken me. Thanks for that, bud.

I was close to the same destruction that haunted my teenage years. I didn’t care about what happened to me. Fail uni? That’s fine, I was prepared to work a minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life until I finally get a casket and stone to call my own. Lost my current job? Ah what the hell, I hardly go out enough to need the money anyway. Lost the people around me? What do they see in me anyway? I’m unfunny, offensive, loud and always insecure… they’d be better off without me bringing them down. I had no care in the world apart from what was going on inside my head. The fear of being alone forever, but pushing people away as soon as they knew too much. The tears I shed thinking about what would happen if I never made it into writing, but knowing that all I am is just another wannabe writer sitting at a laptop feeling so much self-pity that blog posts have become entirely dark and dull. I was someone I didn’t want to be, and it took months of being lonely and falling victim to my own thoughts to realise that it needs to change.

Not all things have changed. Like this for example, those of you reading will still read about how sad I’ve been and right now I wish I could be anywhere else but here. I’ve woken up too afraid to go to university just in case I fuck-up somewhere along the lines and I feel like I haven’t slept a wink despite last night being the most I’ve slept in the past two weeks. Not all things will change either and that’s the important part. I can write about being happy and what it will take for me to happy, but the truth is, is that there will always come a time where things are overwhelming. Where people are too much and where my life seems to flip the big “fuck you” in my face. But that’s okay, because now I can finally sit back and say hey, I matter too. And that’s the part that has made me happy. To know that somewhere along the lines, I do matter and that if I’m not content with things then something needs to change. Even if it is a little more mind-numbing, quality movie time.

I say it all the time, but you’re really not alone in this world. And never forget that. It’s easy to get too involved in helping and being there for other people to the point where you forget that you matter too. People will take advantage of that, especially when they know how easy it is for you to put them before you put yourself, but no matter what, remember that your happiness matters too. As soon as you forget about your own thoughts and emotions entirely is the point where you’ll end up spiraling to rock bottom without even noticing until it’s too late to get yourself out. You matter to me. Your happiness matters to me and it always will.

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“Hopeless Case,” [2016]

I wish it was easy to write. I wish I had the motivation that others have to sit down at the end of each day and type until they feel content. The inspiration to make a world of make believe. It worries me, especially when I’ve worked so hard for something to eventually watch it burn.

Anyone keeping up to date with me knows that I go for months on end with no word. You’ll hear me say about my ideas to “write more for my blog!!!!!” but it’s obvious that after the first week – more than likely less, I’ll have already forgotten my vow. Who knows, maybe I would be a lot further into this whole blogging thing than I am at this current moment if I actually kept to my words?

But my life lacks anything remotely interesting. I work and I go to university. I spend time with my boyfriend. I play a bunch of video games and listen to super old music that people have most likely forgotten by now until Primark takes their logo and makes it into a cheap crop top brand. The Smiths, Ramones, Joy Division and Nirvana has been poached by a lot more than just high-street quick fix Primark… I’ve seen New Look and H&M wave the cross-eye’d smiley around the place.

Can someone really call themselves a writer if all they do is procrastinate the writing?

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Loneliness isn’t the problem, but finding the right help is.

Despite the rising awareness of mental health conditions, they are still disregarded and swept under the rug more times than not. There are still people wondering what to do and who to turn to when all else has failed – and failing can be a part of the end problem that’s ultimately tearing you up. No person should be expected – or belittled – for opening up to their emotions and feelings and admitting what’s really going on. Admitting to what feels like a weakness is already a difficult task, and admitting that weakness out loud shouldn’t feel like a joke. A person shouldn’t be made to feel ridiculous, dramatic, hopeless and they should not be made to feel alone. A person goes through an abundance of stages and emotions before they finally pluck up the courage to talk about it – so why should they feel that in the end, it was the worst idea they could have done?

There’s the exaggerated happiness, the forcing yourself and others around you to believe that happy and fine. The indecisive motivation telling you that you need to get up and do something, but you could wait a day or two to get that done. Locking yourself away at certain times just because it all gets too much and therefore snapping when someone tries to invade your space. The easily irritated, pushing the best of people in your life away. Dealing with it in your own way, writing to a blank piece of paper that cannot talk, that will soak up the sink and leave you yet again stranded in your own mind. Seeing friends but feeling guilty when you feel more of a downer than a bundle of joy. You get the point, a person has to deal with a lot of things before they finally open their mouth as a plea for help and being shut down at the end of it – to be disregarded as if a family had just reconsidered their decision to adopt a puppy. It’s only confirming what they already thought; that they have to go through this alone otherwise they deal with the consequences of being looked down upon, to be told that they’re over dramatic. It doesn’t just stop because it was an inconvenience for someone, we’ll just go back to pretending that we’re okay just so they can’t get ridiculed again.

People feel this way for different reasons, and it’s unfair to be judged about your own situation compared to someone else’s. Oh, I see, you’ve been through worse, so that’s why I cannot feel the way I do and ask for your help because you deem me unworthy of such compassion? Well shucks, here’s a medal and a one-way ticket to “Get-So-Far-Away-From-Me.” It doesn’t matter if you’re feeling the way you do because you’ve had a string of unfortunate events happen to you throughout your life or if you’re recently going through a rough patch, you are entitled to feel the way you do and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

There are still too many of us finding the way out in all the wrong places. Loneliness isn’t the problem, but finding the right help is.

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