Show respect to gain respect.

The ideology of respect has been distorted massively. It’s something that people have decided is a necessitity rather than something that is earned. Many people live by the phrase of “respect me and I will respect you,” but it’s become clear that even then, it’s seems almost impossible for a fraction of consideration to be given out.

When I think of respect, I think of a kindness towards others, a consideration and a sprinkle of care. Because the truth is, to show respect, you have to be amiable. There needs to be a sense of politeness for someone to want to respect you. It’s ignorant to walk into a situation acting boystrous, rude and unthoughtful whilst demanding the respect of others. If someone walks up and kicks you in the ribs while you sleep, are you really going to show them respect? Did they show you any respect? Of course not.

Today, on my way to university I saw something that genuinely made me lose a bit more faith in humanity. Sometimes, I’ll come across something that will restore that, but today was one of the days where it descended rather than climbed. At 9:55a.m. outside of the train station, a police officer decided to ‘move’ a homeless man that slept outside under the shelter. There was many of ways to go around this, but instead, the police officer decided to kick his toes into this homeless mans ribs and tell him to “move along” because he was a “dirty bum.” Being awoken in such a manner caused this homeless man to wake up quickly and jump to his feet, and then proceeding to pick up all of his stuff, the police officer decided to taunt him some more by saying he “shouldn’t be sleeping here.” Now, this man, who has no bed to call his own, has found a place with shelter right next to road where he probably didn’t sleep. In retaliation to the officers taunts, (we’ve all woken up on the wrong side of the bed and been a little moody) the homeless man says “piss off, mate,” and here is where this warrior of the law decides that even though he has just kicked a man awake, taunted and degraded him, needs to be respected. Now, some people may say “that’s a police officer, you’ve got to respect him!” but no. You do not have to respect anyone that shows such a disgusting and intolerant attitude towards you. Furthermore, you have no right to even preach about respect after treating someone like a stray dog picking up scraps. It’s inhumane.- and it’s even more disgraceful that even when this entire situation was moved on and over with, the officer decided to walk back and have a laugh with his officer mates. Excuse me, did you not just see what you did?

You’ll often find that those who lack the skills of consideration are the ones that demand respect the most, and it’s very unfair. You shouldn’t be forced to respect someone because they have a ‘better’ place in society than yourself. Because the truth is, no one’s life is more precious than your own. No living, breathing human with a beating heart should be treated with such disregard. It doesn’t take much to feel empathy for those around you, and maybe it’s time for people to become a little more educated on emotions rather than social structure.

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Together we stand; divided we fall.

It’s February, I’m currently wondering what on earth happened to the Kerrang! channel while it plays Babymetal and procrastination is at an all time high. I’m what you would call… happy. Take that lightly – I’m stressed out too. I have deadlines to meet, a paying job to get back and forth to and a whole lot of sleep to catch up on. But, I’ve finally realised that my own happiness matters and even through the stress that I’m currently drowning under, I can safely say that I won’t be close to jumping off a cliff anytime soon.

You see, dear reader, it’s far too easy to get stuck in a place that isn’t healthy for you mentally or physically. I’ve been there far too many times and no matter how much I write about getting better, I have only ever gotten worse. I fought at every corner possible and there was no time out for a breather. I could scream at the top of my lungs and go completely unheard. I could spend days upon days inside the comfort of my own four walls and still be anxious that I’ve done something wrong to someone. It was real and it was painful and goddamnit, I ached from fear everyday. For years, I thought of myself as a strong and unbreakable person, only to be brought down to earth with a huge crash bang and a realisation that I’m just as fragile as anyone else. 2016, you’ve completely broken me. Thanks for that, bud.

I was close to the same destruction that haunted my teenage years. I didn’t care about what happened to me. Fail uni? That’s fine, I was prepared to work a minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life until I finally get a casket and stone to call my own. Lost my current job? Ah what the hell, I hardly go out enough to need the money anyway. Lost the people around me? What do they see in me anyway? I’m unfunny, offensive, loud and always insecure… they’d be better off without me bringing them down. I had no care in the world apart from what was going on inside my head. The fear of being alone forever, but pushing people away as soon as they knew too much. The tears I shed thinking about what would happen if I never made it into writing, but knowing that all I am is just another wannabe writer sitting at a laptop feeling so much self-pity that blog posts have become entirely dark and dull. I was someone I didn’t want to be, and it took months of being lonely and falling victim to my own thoughts to realise that it needs to change.

Not all things have changed. Like this for example, those of you reading will still read about how sad I’ve been and right now I wish I could be anywhere else but here. I’ve woken up too afraid to go to university just in case I fuck-up somewhere along the lines and I feel like I haven’t slept a wink despite last night being the most I’ve slept in the past two weeks. Not all things will change either and that’s the important part. I can write about being happy and what it will take for me to happy, but the truth is, is that there will always come a time where things are overwhelming. Where people are too much and where my life seems to flip the big “fuck you” in my face. But that’s okay, because now I can finally sit back and say hey, I matter too. And that’s the part that has made me happy. To know that somewhere along the lines, I do matter and that if I’m not content with things then something needs to change. Even if it is a little more mind-numbing, quality movie time.

I say it all the time, but you’re really not alone in this world. And never forget that. It’s easy to get too involved in helping and being there for other people to the point where you forget that you matter too. People will take advantage of that, especially when they know how easy it is for you to put them before you put yourself, but no matter what, remember that your happiness matters too. As soon as you forget about your own thoughts and emotions entirely is the point where you’ll end up spiraling to rock bottom without even noticing until it’s too late to get yourself out. You matter to me. Your happiness matters to me and it always will.

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“I guess this is growing up.”

Adulting can be hard. So hard that I can’t even write “being an adult” because that’s too formal and I get extremely anxious about writing blog posts that’s too formal and boring. Adulting. Doing adult things. Having adult responses and reactions. It’s all a little bit too much for me.

Sunday brings a “big” day for me. I turn 21 and I already feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’m scared of the dentist. I can’t get up at the first alarm in the morning and always end up hitting snooze until it’s too late and I’m rushing out of the door with a piece of toast flapping between my teeth and a toothbrush attached to my hair. I act like a huge baby whenever I feel slightly sick. I think saying my mental age is a lot younger than it should be is probably an understatement. Or it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I jumped into adulthood too fast, as if there was a portal to suck teenagers in and take away their childhood and toys and friends and SO much that I can’t handle. I may be overreacting but it feels like one day I was saving up my weekly bits of lunch money to buy a flagon and a pack of 20 smokes before heading to fields with my friends and enjoying what now comes across as cider that tastes of nothing shorter than piss. I will never ever be able to drink Strongbow straight faced again.

Today, it feels like everything is going 100mph and there is no time for slowing down, because if you do then everything will stop and I will become a lonely old lady, living in a house of pugs wishing that I sent out a thousand applicants a day so that I can start getting my name down for future jobs that will turn into a career. That really, 100% isn’t me. I get told too often that I shouldn’t be procrastinating, or that I shouldn’t spend days binge watching Netflix and giving French and German accents to my little puggas. It’s not good for the CV and certainly isn’t going to help my older self.

There’s always something to do and something to write and sure, there is always something I could be doing to better my chances when I grow up. (I’m a turning-21-year-old who still likes to say “when I grow up,”) but for the moment I want to live the way I want to. If that’s sitting around and eating digestives and drinking tea, watching Netflix and playing my 3DS then I sure will be doing that. If my older self decides that I did the wrong thing, then I’ll take it up with myself when that happens. Truth is, I want to feel content instead of unhappily strolling through life to make everyone else happy.

I do need to work on getting up at my first alarm if I want to earn money and actually learn something in uni though… That’s baby steps though.

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“Sing me to sleep, I’m tired and I want to go to bed.”

I’ve come to accept that no matter how much sleep I get, nor how late my classes start, I am ALWAYS going to be tired for university… And im only in my first year.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy university. Its a great experience and I’ve met so many great people and learned interesting things, but since my school days, I seem to have gotten dramatically worse in the morning. I’m not lying when I say that when my mother would wake me up in the morning for school, she would avoid me like I was some sort of plague. I would grunt, scowl and bite her head off for simply asking how many sugars I’d want in my tea. I’ve got to give it to my mam, she’s put up with me for so many years with just few of ten mental breakdowns. I bought her one of those JML Magic Mats for her birthday, just to show my appreciation for the woman.

Anyway, now that my mam doesn’t wake me up in the mornings, I either rely on my alarm (that I – pretty much always – press the dismiss button instead of the snooze. Accidently, I swear!) or my sweet boyfriend to wake me up in the morning. Poor guy. I cant help but feel sorry on him; he says nice things, calls me beautiful and spends the majority of his time in my company. I know he questions his sanity when he looks over at his University girlfriend in the morning, with approximately a pint of dribble covering my face and pillow, my hair looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and sounding like I’m a grumble of pugs laying on their backs. (if you don’t know what that sounds like, imagine a group of wookies having an intense argument.)

I always say to myself “hey, tonight im going to get an early night and wake up feeling refreshed!” but that never actually works, and its about time I start to accept my fate of being tired for the rest of my life. I have too many games to play; too many pokemon to catch, too many versions of Zeldas lullaby to play on the ocarina and too many potions to consume to regain HP. How can I get any sleep with the fate of Hyrule in my hands? I have to stop Team Rocket! I need to stop Ganon!

Sigh, I think its about time I make people sign a disclaimer before they willingly spend a night with me, knowing I wake up as if I was Darth Vadar after a night of too much tequila.

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“Welcome to the truth; a life that’s not your own.”

Introductions are my worst enemy and it doesn’t matter how hard I try, they always seem to lack in interesting content and I sound like some little old lady that’s lived a life of solitude – living in a world where there is an endless amount of tea and cotton rolls to continue her knitting.

I’m not some spectacular kind of character that has interesting things to say each time they open their mouth. In fact, I’m quite the opposite – I’m just another 20 year old trying to find her place in a world where a vast majority of people are trying to do the same thing. There isn’t much difference between myself and the next person who’s sitting on the floor on their laptop listening to Periphery writing a blog. I’m just another person on the pile of people trying to make it within a world of journalism, and all I can do is hope that someone will find me along the way, or at least take some kind of entertainment from my writing.

This is my second blog, in which I hope to keep up-to-date regularly. My first is solely based upon music, and as much as I love writing about music, it unfortunately gets a little hard to run when life is going on around you and it’s hard to dedicate as much time as I would like and although I plan on keeping it up and running, I plan to use this one as a platform to write whatever I want. Yes, whatever I want. Instead of keeping this blog limited, I want it to both reflect my interests and personality. Games, music, adventures, good times, bad times, tips and tricks and a slight bit of humour that most people would either find offensive or so unfunny it comes back around to being funny.

With that being said, I’m also currently studying at the University of South Wales. It’s a bit of a mix already, but the idea of keeping it as a sort of journal about my time in University is something that will keep me motivated to keep this running. I can’t promise that it will be active all year round, and there probably will be spells of inactivity as much as there will be days that I post continuously, getting everything off my chest.

Enjoy your stay~

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